The Disassociated Press Reports:

Today in Los Angeles Dr. Laura Schlessinger held a press conference, apologized for her airwave antics, and attempted to clarify the basis for statements that were made on her popular call in radio show.

"Let me start by saying that I hereby apologize to all who may have been negatively impacted in any way by my somewhat strong on air statements and advice.

"I do not, nor have I ever actually shared or condoned such attitudes. I am not actually homophobic, sexist, misogynistic, or dogmatic. I am not actually meddlesome, judgemental, presumptive or pushy.

"People, this thing is about ratings.The powers that be have molded me into a pseudo shock jockette. I am a puppet of the Media/Industrial Complex. They MADE me do it. Or perhaps the DEVIL made me do it. Yeah. THAT'S the ticket. "The press has slandered me, especially that Vanity Fair rag.

"And let me clarify, in regards to my nude photos that are displayed on the Internet: I was young. I needed the money." Reporters clamoured and spoke.

"Ms. Schlessinger! Laura! Is it true that the format of your show will soon be changing?!" "Yes. The listening public can expect some changes. The show will continue to have a call in format, but major issues will become a thing of the past. Household and gardening advice will replace our current format. I could be the next Martha Stewart. But better of course." "Ms. Schlessinger! Ms. Schlessinger!" Clamored a reporter.

"Yes?" "Ms. Schlessinger, I think that you are SUCH a b*tch!!" Reporters and bystanders alike gasped and murmured. "You know what? She's RIGHT. Dr. Laura IS a b*tch! Wow. Who KNEW?!" Exclaimed one unidentified bystander.

"Yeah! A b*tch and a fraud!" Murmured another unidentified bystander.

"Hon, I could just scratch your eyes out!!" Exclaimed one impassioned young man to Dr. Schlessinger. The press conference abruptly ended, as Dr. Laura was hustled from the podium to a waiting limo. The Disassociated Press awaits further comment from Dr. Schlessinger.

DP-CA-06-21-00 1849EST Copyright 2000 By AF Waddell@ The Disassociated Press. The information contained in the DP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Disassociated Press.