Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men
- The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
- Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
- Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
- Cucumbers don't get too excited.
- Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
- Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
- You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
- Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
- With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
- A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
- You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie.
- You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat.
- With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
- A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds.
- A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
- A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?".
- A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
- Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
- Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
- With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
- Cucumbers can handle rejection.
- Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
- Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is.
- Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.
- Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent.
- With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
- Afterwards, a cucumber won't:
...want to shake hands and be friends.
...say, "I'll call you a cab".
...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
...tell you he is the marrying kind.
...call his ex-wife or therapist.
...take you to confession.
- Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
- Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.
- Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
- A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
- A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
- A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
- With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.
- Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
- A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
- A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
- A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.
- A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
- Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
- Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
- Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.
- Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
- Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.
- You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
- You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
- Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
- Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?"
- Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
- A cucumber won't want to join your sports group.
- A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
- Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
- Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one.
- A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
- A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.
- No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
- Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
- A cucumber won't give you a hickey.
- Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
- Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
- A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
- A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
- With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
- Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold.
- Cucumbers don't count to 10.
- Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
- A cucumber will never leave you ...
...for another woman.
...for another man.
...for another cucumber.
- A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman.
- A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.
- You always know where a cucumber has been.
- A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
- Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
- A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
- Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
- You won't find out later that your cucumber ...
...is married.
...is on penicillin.
...likes you - but loves your brother.
- A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
- Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.
- A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
- Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
- Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
- A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
- A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
- Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
- A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family.
- A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School.
- A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
- Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
- Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
- A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.
- It's easy to drop a cucumber.
- A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.
- No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.