Base Rate

How many months have you been going out?
For the first six months, allow $10.00 for every month:
For the second six months, $5.00 for each additional month:
For more than a year, $1.00 for each additional month:

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Bonuses and Penalties

If she:
has not yet "put out", subtract $5.00 per month:
has "put out", add a nickel for every month:
can cook a good meal, add $0.50:
quietly brings you beer during football games add $1.00:
"nags", subtract a $1.37 per month:
For an A cup, subtract $2.03:

For every:
• cup size over B add $1.02
• inch of chest over 30" add $.13
• pound over 120 lbs subtract $0.54

If her butt is so tight you can bounce a quarter, add the quarter. =

=

Exception:

- If the total is less than the cost of a piece of Bazooka Bubble gum(Tm), then you must give her what she really wants this holiday, a ring:

1. Dial her phone number,
2. RING
3. 'hello'
   
4. 'Hey baby, merry christmas.'
   
5. Hang up the phone.
   

I hope this list makes your Christmas shopping easier. Unfortunately you still have to think-up your own gift ideas. May I suggest a pair of knee pads and a bottle of Scope(Tm).