How To Be Left Alone
- Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)... but at least I have her skin to remember her by.
- Have you ever tried cat meat?
- I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the playground really miss me.
- Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!
- I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.
- I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!
- The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!
- (man to woman) Hey, could I borrow a tampon?
- I puked on the last person who flew next to me.
- My butt reeeally itches!
- Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!
- My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.
- The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.
- Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?
- I stepped in dog s--- AGAIN?!
- I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?
- My mother just told me we can't sleep together anymore.
- Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!
- Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!
- Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
- I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not!
- This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.
- Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!
- If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up.
- Wanna buy a gerbil?
- Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right behind the Savior David!
- Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off.
- Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at the border!
- I've just been treated for tapeworms.
- Don Knotts is my favorite actor!
- I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck.
- The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much better when I left a couple days ago.
- Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?
- I collect aluminum foil.
- Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers!
- I work in a landfill.
- I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience.
- I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!
- I work on a Japanese whaling ship.
- (With Arkansas accent) Hey, if me and my wife get divorced, are we still legally brother and sister?