Resolutions For Underachievers
  • I resolve not to set unrealistic expectations for myself.
  • This year, I will sleep more. I used to be able to sleep twelve hours at a time, but now, whenever I try to sleep late, I tend to wake up after ten hours. With hard work and a little dedication, I know that I can make it back to twelve.
  • Just to mess with people, I will insist that the millennium doesn't really begin until 2002.
  • This year, I will not wait until the last minute to come up with my resolutions for next year. I will be ready with my resolutions on the first day of 2002, so that I will not have to scramble to come up with a bunch of lame resolutions at the last minute.
  • It is cold outside. I will not go outside.
  • This year, I will accept my inconsistencies for the healthy breaks in routine that they are.
  • I will not call back the guy from the health club who keeps calling me to join just because I stupidly gave them my phone number when I recently signed up for a two-week free trial, during which time I only went once.
  • I will write fewer run-on sentences.
  • If William Rehnquist or Antonin Scalia want to hang out with me sometime, I will turn them down and then laugh in their faces.
  • I resolve not to let my inherent laziness get in the way of holding a good grudge.
  • I intend to cook more. However, if I ever try to cook French onion soup again, I will not put in so much cheese that the final product becomes essentially a wet, massive glob of disgusting onion-flavored cheese. I will not do that again and will instead just try something simple like raviolis.
  • I resolve to be more mysterious, even if people just think I'm being an idiot.
  • If this year I come up with a resolution in December, I will act on it immediately, instead of waiting until next January just so that I can make it an official New Year's resolution.
  • I will use the word "no" more often.
  • When a cashier in a store gives me the wrong change, I will point out the mistake only when I'm the one losing money. I will not bother rationalizing this behavior. I will simply enjoy it.
  • I will accept my bouts of inactivity with pride.
  • I will try not to play computer solitaire whenever Dick Cheney is droning on about another boring crisis in some far off place that I've never even heard of. Oh, sorry, that's Dubya's resolution, not mine.
  • I will have some cheesecake.
  • I resolve to watch more television and occasionally listen to bad pop music, in order not to fall completely out of touch with American culture. I will also laugh at commercials and tell my friends all about my favorite ones.
  • Finally, I resolve not to feel guilty about stuff. If I tell myself that I will do something and then I don't do it, I will not beat myself up over it. I will simply remind myself that there will be plenty of other resolutions to keep in the future.
Copyright 2001 by Joe Lavin
Joe Lavin's Humor Column is published every Tuesday at: http://joelavin.com

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Submitted By: Joe Lavin
Jan 8, 2001 14:57

This joke is rated: PG