Laws In My Mother's House
Laws of Forbidden Places
- Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
- Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.
- Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.
- Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.
- Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
- Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
Laws When at Table
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And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
- Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
- And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear that you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
On Screaming
- Do not scream for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even unto the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand, but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
- Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you to faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover you face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Concerning Face and Hands
- Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even unto the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
- And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in manner wondrous to see.
- Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be, and you shall not go hence until I have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
- Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building, nor eat sand.
- Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, neither shall you stand between the light and the book.
- Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.
Amen.
Submitted By: Best of: Humor Mailing List
Jul 13, 1998 07:50