by Dyrk Schingman
Oregon State University

After several years of studying and hard work, I have finally learned scientific jargon. The following list of phrases and their definitions will help you to understand that mysterious language of science and medicine.

• "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"
  I didn't look up the original reference.
• "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"
  These data are practically meaningless.
• "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"
  An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published
• "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"
  The other results didn't make any sense.
• "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"
  This is the prettiest graph.
• "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"
  I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
• "THE MOST RELIABLE RESULTS ARE OBTAINED BY JONES"
  He was my graduate student; his grade depended on this.
• "IN MY EXPERINCE"
  once
• "IN CASE AFTER CASE"
  Twice
• "IN A SERIES OF CASES"
  Thrice
• "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"
  I think.
• "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"
  A couple of other guys think so too.
• "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"
  Wrong.
• "ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"
  Rumor has it.
• "A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJETION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"
  A wild guess.
• "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF ABTAINABLE DATA"
  Three pages of notes were obilterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
• "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS"
  I don't understand it.
• "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"
  They don't understand it either.
• "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSITANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO ANDREA SCHAEFFER FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"
  Mr. Boltz did the work and Ms. Shaeffer explained to me what it meant.
• "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"
  A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
• "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"
  I quit.

This may be used or broadcast in any form as long as I recieve credit. Dyrk Schingman