Money's short,
times are hard,
here's your f---ing,
Christmas card.

Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,
everyone felt s---ty,
even the mouse.

Mom at the whorehouse,
Dad smoking grass.
I'd just settled down,
for a nice peace of ass.

When out on the lawn,
I heard such a clatter.
I sprung from my piece,
to see what's the matter.

Then out on the lawn,
I saw a big dick.
I knew in a moment,
it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney,
like a bat out of hell.
I knew in a moment,
the old f---er fell.

He filled all our stockings,
with pretzels and beer.
And a big rubber dick,
for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney,
with a thunderous fart.
The son of a bitch,
blew the chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed,
as he rode out of sight.
Piss on you all,
and have a good night.