Sex Diet: The Key To Weight Loss

ActivityCalories Burned
REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent12
Without partner's consent187
Unhooking bra --
-- Using two calm hands7
-- Using one trembling hand96
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner15
Dragging partner along the floor16
Using skateboard3
ACHIEVING ERECTION
For normal, healthy man2 1/4
For normal healthy women549
Losing erection1/4
Searching for it115
PUTTING ON PROPHYLACTIC
With erection1 1/4
Without erection300
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is --
-- Experienced6
-- Inexperienced73
If a man does it regardless of experience680
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room
INSERTION
If woman is ready1/4
If man is not274
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY
Italian: man on top, woman in kitchen26
Russian: woman on bottom, man getting permission55
American: both on top60
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE
Bouncing7
Sliding around9
Serious skidding12
Whiplash27
ORGASIM
Real27
Faked160
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off35
Expression didn't change1/2
Orchestra swelled6
Birds sang --
-- Large birds7
-- Small birds3
Earth moved30
PULLING OUT
After orgasm1/4
A few moments before orgasm500
PENIS ENVY
For woman3
For man72
GUILT
Despite almost no formal training, orgasm comes easily, naturally and spontaneously53
You're enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are starving2
Sex on your lunch hour3
And you put it on your expense report20
AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing you his/her plants5
Partner insists on cuddling dog during foreplay14
Partner just visited bathroom for the seventh time10
Partner is taking phone calls7
Partner is making phone calls40
GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse60
By your spouse60 1/2
Trying to explain165
Trying to remain calm100
Leaping out of bed25
Getting dressed in one large motion300
Thanking partner quickly2



Submitted By: Anonymous

This joke is rated: PG