"Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin-flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I HAVEN'T tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.

Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for theice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farmequipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn'tknow I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, whichturned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush,an aging baseballplayer and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" whothought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it wasReagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with.There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling thewhole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before thatcoined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausibledeniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Quentin for hiscrackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad warcriminal whose majorcontribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy,who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point.

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House,government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.

Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as anight-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of hisboat, instead ofwhere his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running acountry here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm askingfor is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course,she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.

In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of lifeyou're living, before you get too interested in where I'm parking thePresidential limousine.