Its the first day of the rest of my life. (My analyst gets paid for great one liners like that...His other ones are:- "Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today" and "Turn the other cheek")

It was people like him that caused my first accident. (The one with the two spring lambs; the bucket of cucumber skins and the choir boy....they never let you forget.)

I try to keep happy thoughts in my head as I walk down the road. I ignore the policeman, I know REAL policemen don't wear tutu's. He ask's me for directions to the zoo. (Maybe he knows about the pregnant Giraffe....I thought I'd hidden the step-ladder.....Hmmm)

A little later.......

I've walked three miles now without any mishaps. No surreal happens tonight, me thinks. (I've always admired the works of Shakespeare, maybe it was something to do with my childhood .... I never did find out about the balcony, best not to dwell on it I suppose)

Three miles, rhymes with Beer and alcohol. I enter the nearest pub in a poetic frame of mind.

I approach the bar, Fred Flintstone stands behind it polishing a glass.

"My name is Horatio Winklebottom the Third and I am an Alcoholic" I cry, proud in the knowledge that someone cares.
"I though I told you not to come in here again" Says Fred. "We've just cleared up after your last visit."

But that was three miles ago....

15 pints later and I'm feeling no pain. People stop to point and stare, but they don't know the real me. The true workings of my inner self will never be explained to mere mortals such as these. They stand there in their expensive socks and colour coordinated shoe laces.

I pity them, they will never know.

I hit the road with a soggy THUMP! s---.

Three miles and I'm half way to nowhere. I've been here before though so I introduce myself to the game show host lurking in the corner.

"And our next contestant on "The Thin Edge of Insanity" is....."
"My name is all and nothing" I reply
"OK mister Olly NoThing, you have three minutes to listen to me patronise and ridicule you"

Sounds like life really does'nt it ? They say I have a disease of the mind. I say I'm the only sane man alive. But I would say that would'nt I ?

My echoing footsteps clatter down the corridor in a mirage of appalling grammar and bad spelling. A light shines at the end of the tunnel.........