After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women; she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15
   Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2
   Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7
   Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19
   Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
5. August 4
   Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14
   Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15
   Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23
   When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. September 4
   Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10
    While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.
11. October 3
    Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. October 6
    In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18
    Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. October 21
    When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
15. October 23
    Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"